May 26, 2004

• I love it when i get the chills.  They make me want to slap on my running shoes, bolt out the door, and whiz around town as if i am actually trying to reach something.  And maybe i am trying to reach something when i go out.  It's just not a tangible something. 

  
  

  The chills for me usually come during the middle of math class.  Either that or science.  In those classes i have the window seat, which is by far the luckiest thing that happened to me all year.  If the class is so boring i can hardly function, i always have the option to stare out at the rain, the sun, the snow and pretend i'm somewhere else.  Far away from looseleaf.  Far away from calculators.  Far, far away from Mrs. Fried.  And when i think about other places, i always end up thinking about my future. 

  
  

  And not to be cocky or anything, but my future rules. 

  
  

  Past the weather on the other side of the window i can see me in my silver converatable, blasting the theme song to MY sitcom that I wrote, whizzing past little strawberry stands located on the edges of cliffs.  Driving home to my colorful little house on the hill in the suberbs of L.A.  Seeing my name in the credits.  Seeing teenagers swoon and gossip and obsess over the show, while i smile to myself, silently pat myself on the back, because i wrote it.  The secret creator of the greatest thing to happen to television.  It was me, baby, all me.

  
  

  And that is how i get the chills.  Because i know what i want ten years from now, and i know i will be ambitious enough to get it.  Maybe it won't be the greatest thing to happen to television, but come on.  I can dream.  All that dreaming makes me want to just skip passed high school and college.  To just go straight to my ideal life.  Because honestly, ten years from now is more clear to me than my visions of high school and college combined. And high school is what?  Two months from now? 

  
  

  I mean, the only thing i really know about high school is that everything is going to change. Academically and the people.  Slowly but surely the fragile protective shell of innocence we've been using as armor for years will shatter by the force of change.  There is nothing we can do about it.  It is about as indestructable as time itself. And the idea that i don't know what that change will lead me to as a person in general is what makes my vision of high school so fuzzy.  I could be on heroin two years from now.  I could be dying from a fatal drunk driving accident. I might look back on this little journal thing i kept way back when and laugh. God, was i a dipshit in the eighth grade.

  
  

  And that also gives me the chills.  The future in general gives me the chills. 

  
  

  So the teachers say that high school and college are what GET you to where you want to go in life.  It's preparation for the real world and then some.  Elementary school was preparation for middle school and then some. My second grade teacher would scare the  sparkly beanie babies out of us, telling us that all sixth grade teachers MAKE you, FORCE you to use cursive in all of your writing.  If you don't, you'll fail.  Hello Juvie. And honestly, i have not written a single thing in cursive since third grade.  And i, thank you very much, am still in school.  But i guess over-preparing is better than....well...under-preparing.  Just not to the point where you are so prepared that you're scared of what you're prepared for.  Like cursive.

  
  

  And since high school and college are what lead to our futures, and i have no idea what the hell is going to happen to me in between now and my silver convertable in California, there is no possible way i can know for certain that i will even have that future.  But I'll just keep on dreaming.  And having those chills.

  
  

  Time to watch the idol finalie.  But who really cares who wins this one. Last year's was so much more emotional for me.

  
  

  ~d

  
  

   

  • 8:07 pm
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