May 29, 2004

• Some people consider adventures as sky-diving, hiking up Everest, or seeking some lost gold-plaited llama in the forbidden desert. Some people consider an adventure as going to Paris for two months, sailing across the Pacific, even singing or dancing in front of hundreds of thousands of people. I would probably consider those adventures, too. Sure, I would. But the difference between me and some people is that some people have a higher chance of actually taking part in these adventures. And i wouldn't be caught dead searching for some gold plaited llama hidden in a few oversized mounds of sand.

  The standards of MY personal adventures are a little lower. Actually, a lot lower. And that would be an understatement. Basically, i just don't take part in adventures period. Well, at least until this weekend.

  No, i didn't fly over to Las Vegas and drunkenly marry some middle-aged beer bellied redneck named Billy Bob. No, i didn't swing from vines in some jungle and swoop down to save a bunch of baby apes from a forest fire. No, i didn't sky dive. I didn't do anything like that. In fact, the most adventurous thing i did all weekend, or all month, was travel with my friends to some random kid's house just for the sake of using his trampoline. Well, at least that's what we PLANNED on going there for...

  THE ADVENTURES OF DARYL, JESS,JESS AND BETH

  It all began one Thurday afternoon. The roads of Millburn Avenue were buzzing with middle school students. It was the beggining of their precious four day weekend and they spent it the best way their compacted adolescent minds could think of: by sitting around Manning's and Starbucks as though they were cool. As though the little pretzel sticks they held between their middle and index fingers were in fact cigarettes. As though they had enough money to afford something at Gito Girl. As though the backpacks they heaved over their arched spines were in fact the breifcases they took with them on the train to New York for their Class A jobs as the editors of Class A fashion magazines. As though they weren't twelve years old.

  Anyway. Standing among these sad preteen individuals were that of Daryl, Jess S., Jess P., and Beth. They were on their way to Jess S's house for some serious business. However, being Daryl, i had no idea what that business was until it actually started. I never know what the plans are beforehand. So, when they broke the news to me, i was pretty surprised. We were sitting around Jess S.'s computer when i figured out what those plans where.

  Jess S: GOLA! ( her Polish nanny..i think that's her name..) Can you take us to Lara's house in ten minutes?

  Daryl: Lara's? Since when are we going to-

  Jess S: (hiss)

  Daryl: Oooh. Gotcha.

  (Yolanda or Gola leaves)

  Don't Remember Who Said This: We're going to Ben's house.

  Daryl: Who's that?

  Beth: You don't want to know.

  Jess P: But he has a trampoline.

  Daryl : Well in that case....

  And then they were off. When they arrived at Ben's house, They were greeted by an overweight forty year old woman with a mullet. She was tending her garden. They walked passed her and headed toward the trampoline. And there it was, standing high with all its glory. The trampoline beckoned them over as though it was a stranger telling a handful of naive six year olds 'to come here and have some candy'. The four girls took off their shoes hopped on. All was fine and dandy. The girls sang Madonna songs a little too loudly and talked about how much fun stealing people's trampolines was. Until Ben came out from behind his house. Daryl held back a blood-curdling scream. Beth, Jess, and Jess lost their balance. And then the others came. Sam S. came out on the balcony. At one point in time Daryl asked Sam why his hair was always wet. It isn't, he said. Daryl never asked him anything ever again. Following Sam came Whippy, who is actually nice according to Jess S., and some other kid. The four girls were cornered. Oblivious to the peril that lay ahead, they continued jumping.

  "Leave " said Ben in a stone-cold voice. "Leave or we are taking your shoes."

  They continued hopping. Ben and his followers did as they had promised and took the shoes.
  The four girls decided the trampoline wasn't as great as it was all jazzed up to be, so they left. And they got their shoes back. They had been defeated by the Ballistic Ben and Co, but they were defeated with honor. Jess, Beth, Daryl, and Jess continued their journey.

  The next stop was Sam L's house, who Jess P said lived close by and had a trampoline. He also did not have a fetish for stealing people's shoes, which was always a plus.

  When they arrived at Sam's, he didn't look to pleased. In fact, all he looked like was his cat. They were identical, except he was less furry. And his cat was a girl. But other than that they could easily pass for being the male jewish version of the olsen twins. Anyway. The four girls sat down in his kitchen and chatted. No, Sam said, he did not have a trampoline. The girls frowned, disappointed. Five minutes later they went upstairs to find Sam's room. They chatted some more. Then he kicked them out because he was going to go the Brian G's pool party. Could the girls go? No, said Sam. The place would be infested by those fourteen year old boys that still strongly believe in that Girlshavecootiesism religion. The girls were not wanted.

  This made them want to go there even more. They wanted to come to the pool party in string bikinis and make those cootie hating football obsessed morons pray to god that they will never ever see any female body parts of any kind ever again. Which would have been pretty funny.

  But the girls resisted the temptation and went on their way.

  They walked about one and a half miles back to Jess S's house. During that walk, the girls were stopped by many perverted middle aged men and a few middle fingers. Ah, Daryl thought, the beauty of Short Hills.

  And what a beautiful place it was. As was that story.

  So, that was the adventure of Thursday After School. Maybe one day you will tell it to your loving children and maybe they will even tell it to theirs. Then maybe they'll make up some holiday after it and have The Trampoline Man slide down everyones' chimneys and give out free trampolines that spare your shoes. Maybe.

  Until then, I'm outie. Have an adventurous weekend. And take advantage of those trampolines, baby.

  ~d

  • 10:33 pm
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