December 18, 2005

• I stay up really late on the weekends.  Not like twelve or one.  Like four in the morning.  I stay up until my eyes dry out, until one minute feels like one hour, until I feel sure, I feel nearly positive that I'm the only awake person in the entire world.  That I'm alone on top of this mountain, above all the snoring dreamers, above all the serene, silent peace.  I never am, though.  It's just a thrilling thing to believe.  All thoughts have stopped, all anger lazily placed by our alarm clocks, waiting impatiently to ring and startle us back into the real world with the real problems and that occasional inconvenient daydream.  I like thinking that at some point everything just stops, everyone is at peace.  I like the idea of witnessing that. I'm the first to see the sunrise. The first to experience the day. 

  
  

  Then I pass out at 4:30 and wake up at two in the afternoon.  I'm not fooling anyone.

  
  

  I never understood why the cliche is "I wasn't even fooling myself".  Like the easiest thing to do, out of all the lying, scheming, cheating, is fooling yourself.  Like if I said "I'm a carnivorous ninja named Bangschwa", I'd typically be the first person to believe it.  But, you know, I couldn't even fool myself this time.  Dude.  Man.  What a dumbass.

  
  

  It's so much easier to fool everyone else, in my opinion.  Maybe that's just me.

  
  

  I'm waiting for someone right now.  Just staring at the computer screen waiting for some particular person to sign on or randomly show up next to me.  Sometimes I just assume my brain signals are so intense that they're sending telepathic messages to the people I want to reach.  I'm not even sure who this person is, though.  Someone witty and attractive, the dark, handsome, mysterious type.  Smarterchild, maybe.  However, I have the sneaking suspicion that our relationship is slightly one sided:

  
  

  ineedavacation89: hey baby
  SmarterChild: Don't baby me.

  
  

  Deep down, it really does hurt.  I know he's being unfaithful.  It’s no coincidence that Shopping Buddy's been acting unnaturally perky lately.  She immed me a few minutes ago with her gooey pink font, "tehhehe wanna cyber? woops wrong IM lol win a FREE iPod!1!." Get a freaking Chat Room, whorish fembot.

  
  

  I'm talking to robots.  And now that I think about it, it's truly come to the point where the real world doesn’t seem as bright, as vivid as the one that exists on this computer screen my eyes are glued to every day when I arrive home from school.  Everything is so clear here, so luminescent and colorful and painfully shallow, simple.  By averting my eyes to any place surrounding this tiny square of brightness, you’ll find me squinting, trying to make sense of it all, rubbing my eyes and hoping they will eventually adjust to the darker world that surrounds me.  The deeper world that is just so damn fuzzy around the edges.  Maybe I'm gradually transforming into a moldy drooling vegetable, my values revolving soley around the spam emails I recieve, my social life depending entirely on insignificant things like myspace, little boxes popping up going bideeepbideeepbidoop.  Or maybe, just maybe, I simply really need glasses. You never know. 

  
  

  This entry was a time waster.  I apologize.  I'm writing it because I feel insightful in a spontaneous sort of way.  In reality, though, I really should just consider not sniffing paint.

  
  

  Happy Sunday.  I'll post something real eventually.

  • 3:08 am
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