June 20, 2004

• Well, it's been awhile.  For my standards, anyway.  But that's only because so much has happened in the last few days.  Actually, not much has happened activity-wise. I've been sitting around drooling in front of the television for about twenty more hours than i should have been. I mean a lot has happened to me mind-wise.  I've been thinking way too much to do anything even virtually productive.  And just about everyone has been mistaking this sudden coma of thought for a permanent transformation into a vegetable.

  
  

  The main event that that occured within the last few days was my graduation of middle school.  But if you are Mrs. Gonnella, Mrs. Worthington, or any other middle-aged prune that drains the fun out of just about everything, we weren't graduating. We were just 'moving up'. But i was personally confused by the whole thing.  And i still am.

  
  

  After the the ceremony was over, i was all smiles.  I'm in high school. Look at me, fifth graders.  I'm an intimidating freshman.  But then this other guy kept tugging at the bottom of my dress, pleading for some attention.  All of the sudden it wasn't just about the whole new high school thing.  It was about the whole old middle school thing.  It was about the grimy, grumpy cafeteria ladies with their eyeliner tatooed on.  It was about the awesome water fountains in the eighth grade wing.  It was about Mr. Oppel's dry sense of humor.  It was about my friends.  It was about my enemies.  All the little details that made up my veiw of millburn middle sort of clumped together to form this big mosaic.  To form this big picture.  And that little guy that kept begging for some attention finally got what he wanted.  My excitment toward high school drifted away, being replaced by mourning.  I was missing middle school already.  God knows why.  But i was missing it for everything it was: its good, bad, and ugly. 

  
  

  But the thing about pictures is that you can never truly relive the moment they portray.  The most lively part of the life of a photograph would be the second it was created, the second the picture was taken.  After that, it hardens to simply become the evidence of a previous instant.  Another attempt at freezing time.  The mosaic i formed in my mind of middle school was pretty alive at one point.  But just for a breif moment. Now i can only look back on it as a two-dimensional picture.  A memory. 

  
  

  I guess you could say i'm scared.  Terrified, even.  But not for myself.  I'm actually scared for everyone else.  Because i know for a fact that we are all going to change.  That we are all going to grow up drastically within the next four years.  And when, at one point in my life, i look back on that middle school mosaic, i don't want to be surprised.  I don't want to be overwhelmed with the change everyone went through.  I don't want Michael Chesler to cut his hair, no matter how bad it looks.  I don't want Phil to stop being an asshole.  Because that would make my mosaic look even less alive.  Even more past tense. 

  
  

  I never fully appreciate something or someone until i am separated from it.  Until i have to live without it.  Because once something is introduced into my life, i take it for granted.  And when that something suddenly dissappears, it is so hard for me to live without it. 

  
  

  I go to Starbucks every Wednesday.  And every time i sat down with my coffee frap or caramel apple cider, i would sit near the wrinkly UPS man slouched in the cushy chair a few feet away.  After about five minutes, he would doze off in that chair and snore like it was his sole purpose in the world.  Head back, mouth opening and closing like a garage door.  I thought it was hilarious.  It actually came to the point where if i had a rotton day, i could always look forward to watching the unconscious delivery man and his wild sound effects.  But then a few weeks ago he stopped coming.  And instead there was this younger, more awake UPS guy sitting up all perkily in that cushy chair. And it just ruined it for me. 

  
  

  I guess that wasn't the greatest example, but that was sort of what i felt like when i graduated.  I had something, fitted it into my routine, and then it desserted me.  And what was supposed to entertain me at Starbucks after that?  Nothing.  I was stuck.  That's what happens when you lose something so every day and so common that it would be unthinkable to live without it.  Sure, i could probably live without the snoring UPS guy.  But i couldn't imagine Starbucks without him.  Just as i can't imagine middle school without the perverted mirrors in the girls' locker room or the roll-y chairs in the computer lab.  Just as i can't imagine middle school without my best friends exactly how they have always been.   

  
  

  So that's where the change comes in again.  I just don't want to see everyone grow up.  And drift further away from how they are now.  Which makes me such a total hypocrite, because i am doing it myself. When it comes to time, there really are no ifs ands or buts.  It just goes on anyway.  It carries you along until you can't keep up anymore, and that is when you let go.

  
  

  Now that i think about it, the idea of not wanting people to grow up is totally irrational.  Obviously.  By stopping someone or something from growing up, you might as well just have a photograph.

  
  

  So looking back is okay. But I'm wondering if it even gets someone anywhere. Probably not.  So i'll try my hardest to step away from the pictures a little bit. And look ahead a little more.

  
  

  bedtime, d

  • 12:40 am
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